Yet again it's been a while since my last post... feel like i should be in a confessional.

I had intended to update much more frequently, but since my last post I've been struggling with inner demons on another level.

I have this huge desire to share something I've felt has been such a heavy burden in my life, especially most recently.. But I fear not everyone is ready to hear it...
Most of the words on >>> This Blog Entry <<< could've been spoken from my own lips, it's uncanny.
I feel so immensely torn on whether I'm ready to share these hidden aspects of my life with everyone yet....

My last post came a day or two after seeing my psychologist for our first initial appointment, where it was clear i was suffering from depression and anxiety. At first the initial diagnosis was moderate depression adjoined with an Adjustment Disorder. Along with some cognitive sessions, i was prescribed anti-depressants.
While seeing my psychologist regularly and trying to adjust to my medication it was clear to her i was still struggling immensely, and on a few occassions i was going 24 hours, sometimes more then 48 hours without sleep... This wasn't the first time this had happened.. but while i was on my medication I was having more intense bouts of highs and lows. I was having frenzied days of wanting to clean and constantly keep busy, ideas and thoughts would rush through my mind, i felt like i was a ticking time bomb ready to explode if didn't keep busy. While other days all i would want to do is sleep the days away with no desire to wake.

It's said that it can take weeks... if not months for each person to adjust to antidepressants, possibly then to find out it's not agreeable, thus having to try another brand, but to give the body time again to readjust to the chemical changes.
Before the consideration was made to change my dosage or change to another brand, my psychologist decided it was best to refer me to a psychiatrist to see if I would benefit from being prescribed mood stabilisers to go with the antidepressants, but also to confirm my psychologists suspicions that i was suffering from something other then clinical depression.

After a few sessions and many personal questions with my psychiatrist, it wasn't long before she started explaining that i was a symptomatic person of Biploar Disorder II.

My world crashed around me as she tried to explain what I partially already suspected.
I didnt ever suspect i was bipolar, but since i was young i knew i felt different about myself compared to others. And i always struggled trying to work out why that was so.



I won't go into too much detail about my own personal experiences right now... mainly I'm here typing this post because I've had trouble understanding how I'm going to cope with this illness, that makes me feel like I've been swallowed into a big black hole.
In some ways it's been a relief to know why I've been so impulsive, flighty, and at times not in control ..while other days... mostly other days I've just felt like a walking zombie... with deep regrets of my own existence.

So I'm trying my hardest to come out of my closet, and share my anguish that I've been battling with for the longest time.  While I've started medication, i do feel in more control of my life, but I'm still having days where my moods are erratic, and then i start to question if it's all in my head, am i talking myself into these symptoms, wondering what moods and thoughts are really me, and what is the medicated me like?
Wondering who I am... how I should be portraying myself to others. Trying to be the best I can be for everyone... Constantly reminding myself with visual and quoted affirmations on how to improve myself... while desperately fighting my inner demons to just get my shit all off my chest in a more then confronting post on facebook.
Desperately wanting acceptance and understanding, then other times thinking WhatTheFuck..!
Love me or leave me!!

Annnnnnd then.......i just find it easier to go back to my old habits of staying home and hiding from the world again.

Oh my... it's been 4 years since i revisited this old blog of mine..

And a whole lot of awesomeness and crazy stuff has happened since then.
But i want to share with you all why i've made a come back here.. it's in a hope to start journaling about my life, me taking back control of my life.

I've known and accepted for years that i have anxiety issues, and yesterday was really my first step in taking control of the situation.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my psychologist, to try and unravel where this has all stemmed from. After a long session with my psych, it was discovered that I've been suffering from Moderate Depression for quite some years, and something I've never heard of before yesterday, I have what's called an Adjustment Disorder for probably the past 10 years of my life.

From what my psychologist explained to me is that I haven't been able to adjust or cope with particular stresses... certain events in my life, mainly changes that I felt i lost control over. As a result I was experiencing feelings such as hopelessness, nervousness, anxiety, worry, desperation, insomnia, difficulty concentrating, lack of enjoyment, feeling overwhelmed, thoughts of suicide, I was having crying spells, not wanting to leave my house, and most of all avoiding family or friends.

I wish i could tell you all where these stresses were triggered from, but that is something I'm still working on with the help of my Psychologist.. and since my first visit meeting her, I'm still feeling rather raw and exposed.


Finally some explanations for my sometimes... ok, more often then not irrational behaviour.


Depression I've found is a very taboo subject, not too many people will openly broach the subject because of the sensitive nature involved. Or if anyone were to find out someone had depression that they may be looked down upon as week and vulnerable.. and so we try to find ways to mask it.And me, well I've hidden this side of me for so long, that now I really feel the need to get things out in the open, allow my family and friends to see that I have been struggling.
That my life has been far from the perfect bubble I allowed anyone to see.


In the past some friends and family haven't been comfortable whenever I've shared such personal info out there for everyone to see.. And I guess there's been days where it just got all too much, trying to fit in and feel "normal". 
But then there have been a few, who have understood and accepted I have done things differently because I needed a release, or even related on some levels and recognised I was struggling.

I'm very thankful ♥

Some of you may think depression is just an easy excuse for my behaviour when i've gone off the rails, maybe even criticise me now in "taking the easy road" ... but I really hope those of you who are reading this will sypathise with me.

"People who argue that antidepressants don't work are also eager to tell you that mental illness is a hot new trend, like twerking, but somehow actually less sad. It's cool to be depressed, because you can act miserable all the time but get mad when people call you out on it. It's free rein to be an insufferable jerk. Wow, depression is awesome!"



What you didn't ever see behind closed doors is that I had such a lack of motivation to get pretty much anything done.. I was also finding it hard to look after myself physically. Some days i could only manage to drink coffee's to keep what little energy i had to get through the day and make sure I fed my littlies and also prepare the family meal for dinner times.
It's been somewhat of a relief to find out I'm not entirely a lazy piece of shit, but admittedly... i'm still not convinced that I'm not.

And... now today.. I've started taking medication...
Yes Anti-depressants...Something I'd always told myself was a sign of weakness, not in others, but specifically in myself.
But also with the help of my psychologist, loving family and friends, I should be able to work out better ways of coping with my inner demons, and be on a path to positive changes, living a much more richer and fulfilling life.

So this journal/blog entry of mine is for me to reflect on.
See that I'm making progress, and also to share with you all that not everything one sees is as it appears to be.
While i'm taking these antidepressants, I hope you'll all be empathetic while I'm going through all the motions and transitions. It could take some weeks before I or anyone else see's any changes in this rollercoaster ride of mine.



Rest assured, it wont be all doom and gloom, I will also share my aspirations, my loves... and anything else i feel passionate about.


I would love to hear from you all from time to time, whether it be a comment left on my blog..
A hello via facebook to let me know you're there..
Or which ever way you are most comfortable with ... but please don't think I'm a ticking timebomb ready to go off, and PLEASE don't feel the obligation after reading this post, to call and put me on suicide watch...
I have a loving husband taking very good care of me (bless him he's been through the worst of it).. I also have a great psychologist and with your understanding... some pretty awesome friends.

Already i'm starting to learn, not to put so much pressure on myself with expectations of myself and as well as others.
More then anything I'd like you all to be able to walk away from this and realise there's more to people's depression then any of us realise...


Much love
kyles Xx

Because it was almost 8pm, it was quite dark... and there wasn't a street light near by, so my husband had to rely on the moonlight and the headlights of the car that was facing side on.

A few mins after Angus was born my next door neighbours came out asking if we were ok, and if we needed anything. About 10 mins later the ambulance arrived, they checked Angus, and asked my husband if he'd like to cut the cord, my husband had been instructed over the phone not to cut it till the paramedics arrived. Shortly after that I was helped into the ambulance and told to lay down on the stretcher. My husband and baby joined us. I was desperate for them to deliver the placenta, but they said it was better it stayed intact till we got to the hospital in case I were to haemorrhage. About 15mins later we arrived at the hospital where they checked Angus over again, and then proceeded to deliver the placenta.

He weighed 6 pounds 2 ounces (2810 grams), and was 47 cms long.

Angus had a little hypothermia so his temperature was taken. It came back low and because he was born 5 weeks early he was taken to the NICU where he was given oxygen, had his heart monitored, was kept warm in the humidcrib and was given a tube to feed through. I was disappointed that his 1st feed was formula as I was told I would be given the chance to express milk for his 1st feed.
But above all else, I just wanted him to be in the best care. On day 2 he was taken off the oxygen and I was now able to express milk for him, by night I was able to breastfeed him and cuddle him properly but he remained in the humidcrib. Because he was premmie he was a very sleepy baby, and had to be continuously roused to feed.

By day four he was feeding every 5 hours.
On day four I was also transferred from my maternity ward to the Ambulatory Care ward.
That same afternoon... Angus had a few blood tests done, and later was given the all clear to come home with me.
In hindsight.. i think they should've kept Angus in the neonatal ward much longer.
It took 3-4 weeks to establish breastfeeding properly... all the while my Angus had lost weight and was now 5 pounds 4 ounces (2449 grams). I had been feeding every 3 hours and expressing in between feeds so I could top him up after every breastfeed. But it wasn't making any difference. On the 4th week I was finally able to get in to see Angus's paediatrician. Who then instructed that I only feed him on one breast and alternating at each feed, without any expressing. This did the trick... finally he started to put on the weight

And so now my little man is 11 weeks old and thriving, weighing at 9 pounds (4100 grams). He has a little way to go to catch up and be in the right percentile for his age... but that will come in time I've been told.

Anyway... thank you all for reading this far... it's definitely an experience I won't ever be able to forget

Ok so it's definitely time to update with some photos of my kids...

I came across this awesome link on google where I can add items from the net to a wishlist...

MY WISH LIST

It mainly consists of props I'd LOVE to add to my collection, but also includes items I've always wanted to get myself, and some of them are items I'd like to treat myself when achieving certain goals.

Well it sure has been a long time between posts...

Between family life & my photography, I'd forgotten all about this blog up until today...Ooops

Well what's a better way to update my blog then with my Birth Story...

We have a new addition in our family...

Here's a song I've chosen that suits the mood to go with this story:



WARNING ~ Heavy Reading Involved!!

On the 24th May our 2nd son Angus was born.
He was born 5 weeks preemie, and what an entrance he made into the world.



My contractions had already started early on Monday morning, but I managed to sleep through the night without too much worry.
As my husband said goodbye to head off to work, I sleepily told him "By the way I started having contractions last night!". I'm not sure what my husband's response was. But at this stage I don't think either of us were really all that concerned.
It wasn't till I started to really wake up that same morning to get my son ready for school that I realised they were more then just your ordinary cramps. At this stage the contractions were few and far apart still... but ouchy none the less.

Once I'd gotten back home (roughly just after 9am) with my two daughters from dropping off Zach to school I felt... or thought that my waters had possibly broken. So I rang the hospital delivery suite and asked what they thought I should do. They advised me to come in when I could. I had my 2 daughters with me, so I was a little worried that if this was the real deal, that I'd be admitted into the hospital with no one to look after them. So my next thought was to ring up Michelle, (let me say this girl is a godesnd!) a close girlfriend of mine. Michelle and her mum were having a cuppa in town... So Michelle's mum drove her over and dropped her off.

During the time it took for Michelle to arrive, I quickly went and got the baby seat out of our bedroom and tried to install it into my tarago. Michelle had her 6 month old baby boy with her, so I needed to have a car seat ready for him if she was going to come with me to the hospital. I also quickly rang my hubby to let him know what I was up to. I remembered him saying to me only days before... "Don't let me go to work if you think you're in labour". Lol ok hmmm, a little late for that. So I told him the contractions weren't regular yet, so I wasn't sure if these were pre-labour contractions. I'd read and heard that pre-labour contractins could happen a week or so before and leading up to the actual birth, so I didn't really want to drag my husband home if this wasn't the real deal.

Not long after Michelle had arrived (roughly 9.30am) I decided to pack some last minute things. I'd only just packed my labour & hospital bag the day before (my hubby calls this voodoo, because he thinks I had a 6th sense that labour was iminent), but still hadn't packed a bag with all my clothes in it yet. I also managed to make us both a cuppa... I was nervous, but tried my best not to let Michelle catch on. Michelle looked on at me as I had a contraction, her face was overcome with a look of conern. She suggested maybe I should ring my husband back and see if he wanted to meet us at the hospital. It only took Matt about half an hour to get home, what usually takes about an hour. So Matt arrived home before Michelle and I had even gotten the chance to get ready and hop in my tarago. Michelle then suggested Matt take me to the hospital and she'd take my girls back over to her house, as know one would know whether I'd have to stay in hospital or not.
First things first... Michelle, Matt and I all had our Hong Ha Red Rolls that Matt had brought back with him. These rolls are a delicasy... if you're ever out Mascot way... be sure to try them! They are by far the best rolls you'll ever come across!!

We decided to give Michelle my tarago for the day, so that she could drive the girls back to her place, and so she'd have a car if she needed it. And so we all went on our way.

Matt and I arrived at the hospital and made our way down the lonnnnnng corridor to the delivery suite. They showed me to the examination room and hooked me up to a machine to monitor baby's heartbeat & my contractions. A doctor was also called to find out whether I had actually broken my waters. After the assessment I was told my waters hadn't broken yet, and that I should come back when my contractions were regular or when my waters had definitely broken.

I'd really hoped that it wasn't pre-labour contractions, and so I felt so silly walking out of the hospital with no signs of what was yet to come.

By 1.30pm Matt had dropped me off at Michelle's place, so that I could collect the girls and head back home. I hung around for a bit, enjoyed a cuppa.. all the while still having the odd contraction here and there... By now they were noticeably more "Ouchy"! Michelle was still giving me concerned looks. I kept re-assuring her they weren't regular.
By about 2.30pm I hustled up my girls... thanked Michelle & her boyfriend for being so great in looking after them for me, then made my way home just in time for my son Zachery to be dropped off home from School.

From this time onwards it was just the usual stuff at home... kids winding down... then time to get dinner served. By 5.30pm hubby has dinner ready on the table. My contractions are getting quite painful now, but they're still not regular!! Arrrgh what's goin on here!! I've lost my appetite. My husband suggests I make some calls to the family who wanted to know when to be here or needed an update.

By 6.30pm'ish I've noticed my contractions are coming in a steady pattern. They've started coming every 5 mins... and now lasting a good 30secs. I'm finding it quite hard to talk through any of the contractions... and I keep trying to find a new position that helps me get through the contractions. Be it laying down, standing up, crouching over the couch...

I think it's also around this time I've decided to ring back Michelle, and let her know we're off to the hospital again. I'm pretty sure this girl had her pedal to the metal with how quickly she drove over here.
Now from here my memory is a lil fuzzy... everything seemed to have happened so quickly.
Just after Michelle had arrived, I started having multiple contractions (contractions people... not orgasms!), one on top of the other.
I don't know who I would rather have been. Me trying to ride out each contraction, or be Michelle looking on in horror, terrified by the look on my face as i stretched out my body against the contractions only too see me stricken when all of a sudden my waters break in the lounge room!

Somewhere around 7.45pm Michelle had all my children in the Tarago ready to head over to her place for the night... Meanwhile Matt was helping me get into his little car to head off to the hospital.
Matt had only driven a couple of metres out from the driveway when suddenly I felt our baby's head crown! "OhMyGawd Matt stop the car I can feel him, his head...STOP THE CAR!"
As soon as Matt had braked, i swung open the passenger door, and lept out onto the lawn, our next door neighbours lawn.
All inhibitions were lost, and I stripped my pants & underwear down to my knees and swiftly laid down on the grass. In a matter of moments Matthew was kneeling infront of me, and without a push or any warning, our lil baby slipped out (my husband says he cartwheeled) and into my husband's hands. At this same moment Michelle was standing by my side to see why we'd stopped the car...
Michelle quickly headed back into our house, grabbed the phone and rang 000 for an ambulance, and instructions on what to do now that our baby was born. Personally I think I was in shock.

I can't remember saying much at all after our baby Angus was born.
All I could think was that I was so grateful I had both my husband & Michelle by my side.
The night could've turned out so differently had either one of them not been there!! ♥♥

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited The Great Barrier Reef.
5. Stood under the stars in the outback, the real outback – think Uluru.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to the Gold Coast’s theme parks – anyone, you take your pick.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sung a solo. (I do not sing in public!)
11. Bungee jumped, jumped out of plane, been paragliding or hang-gliding, hot air ballooning – you get the idea, you’ve been hundreds of metres about earth in a seemingly flimsy contraption. (I'd love to to one of those someday!)
12. Visited Melbourne. Does stopping at the airport to change flights count?
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Yep i make signatures, i'm sure that counts!
15. Had a child. Raised a child. Worked with children.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Been to the Snowy Mountains. 
18. Grown your own vegetables. Does herbs count?
19. Visited the Brett Whitely studio in Surry Hills, Sydney. (Hmmm, will have to check it out now!)
20. Slept on an overnight train or bus.
21. Had a pillow fight. 
22. Been backpacking.
23. Taken a mental health day.
24. Been buried in sand with just your head and toes sticking out.
25. Held a possum, kangaroo or koala – or any other native Australian animal.
26. Gone skinny dipping. (God forbid! lol)
27. Been in a fun run. 
28. Been on the Blue Mountain cableway.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Played, or watched, summer cricket.
32. Sailed, kayaked or canoed our beautiful waterways.
33. Seen the Daintree.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Visited an Aboriginal settlement or mission.
36. Learned a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Toured the Sydney Opera House.
39. Tried rock climbing (indoor or outdoor), abseiling or just simple bush walking.
40. Visit Queensland’s Gallery of Modern Art.
41. Been to the Tamworth Country Music Festival.
42. Sunbaked at Bondi.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Broome.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone fishing.
49. Seen Tasmania’s old growth forests.
50. Been to the top of Q1, on the Gold Coast.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Driven the Great Ocean Road.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Norfolk Island.
60. Served at a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Guide biscuits.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Got flowers for no reason. C'mon, there is always a REASON!
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma. Yes all 3
65. Gone jet boating.
66. Visited Port Arthur.
67. Bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Australian War Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Federation Square.
74. Been on the Murray River.
75. Been fired from a job. Hey, it was one of those mutual decision things. He pissed me off, I bopped him. We agreed it was best if I left. Whaddayagunnado???
76. Travelled, or climbed, over the Sydney Harbour Bridge. One day i will
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Three Sisters at Echo Point, Katoomba.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited St Mary’s Cathedral, in Sydney.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Been to Hermannsburg.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. Yes for Gestational Diabetes
85. Read the entire Bible. Nah ah, never ever gonna happen!
86. Visited Parliament House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. Does fish count?
88. Had chickenpox. Yep twice
89. Saved someone’s life. 
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous. A few times 
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Saved a pet. RIP Foxii-doo
95. Been to the site of the Eureka Stockade.
96. Swum in The Whitsundays.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit. Yes, while working for a real estate in property management
98. Owned a mobile phone.
99. Been stung by a bee. 
100. Read an entire book in one day.