Oh my... it's been 4 years since i revisited this old blog of mine..

And a whole lot of awesomeness and crazy stuff has happened since then.
But i want to share with you all why i've made a come back here.. it's in a hope to start journaling about my life, me taking back control of my life.

I've known and accepted for years that i have anxiety issues, and yesterday was really my first step in taking control of the situation.

Yesterday I had my first appointment with my psychologist, to try and unravel where this has all stemmed from. After a long session with my psych, it was discovered that I've been suffering from Moderate Depression for quite some years, and something I've never heard of before yesterday, I have what's called an Adjustment Disorder for probably the past 10 years of my life.

From what my psychologist explained to me is that I haven't been able to adjust or cope with particular stresses... certain events in my life, mainly changes that I felt i lost control over. As a result I was experiencing feelings such as hopelessness, nervousness, anxiety, worry, desperation, insomnia, difficulty concentrating, lack of enjoyment, feeling overwhelmed, thoughts of suicide, I was having crying spells, not wanting to leave my house, and most of all avoiding family or friends.

I wish i could tell you all where these stresses were triggered from, but that is something I'm still working on with the help of my Psychologist.. and since my first visit meeting her, I'm still feeling rather raw and exposed.


Finally some explanations for my sometimes... ok, more often then not irrational behaviour.


Depression I've found is a very taboo subject, not too many people will openly broach the subject because of the sensitive nature involved. Or if anyone were to find out someone had depression that they may be looked down upon as week and vulnerable.. and so we try to find ways to mask it.And me, well I've hidden this side of me for so long, that now I really feel the need to get things out in the open, allow my family and friends to see that I have been struggling.
That my life has been far from the perfect bubble I allowed anyone to see.


In the past some friends and family haven't been comfortable whenever I've shared such personal info out there for everyone to see.. And I guess there's been days where it just got all too much, trying to fit in and feel "normal". 
But then there have been a few, who have understood and accepted I have done things differently because I needed a release, or even related on some levels and recognised I was struggling.

I'm very thankful ♥

Some of you may think depression is just an easy excuse for my behaviour when i've gone off the rails, maybe even criticise me now in "taking the easy road" ... but I really hope those of you who are reading this will sypathise with me.

"People who argue that antidepressants don't work are also eager to tell you that mental illness is a hot new trend, like twerking, but somehow actually less sad. It's cool to be depressed, because you can act miserable all the time but get mad when people call you out on it. It's free rein to be an insufferable jerk. Wow, depression is awesome!"



What you didn't ever see behind closed doors is that I had such a lack of motivation to get pretty much anything done.. I was also finding it hard to look after myself physically. Some days i could only manage to drink coffee's to keep what little energy i had to get through the day and make sure I fed my littlies and also prepare the family meal for dinner times.
It's been somewhat of a relief to find out I'm not entirely a lazy piece of shit, but admittedly... i'm still not convinced that I'm not.

And... now today.. I've started taking medication...
Yes Anti-depressants...Something I'd always told myself was a sign of weakness, not in others, but specifically in myself.
But also with the help of my psychologist, loving family and friends, I should be able to work out better ways of coping with my inner demons, and be on a path to positive changes, living a much more richer and fulfilling life.

So this journal/blog entry of mine is for me to reflect on.
See that I'm making progress, and also to share with you all that not everything one sees is as it appears to be.
While i'm taking these antidepressants, I hope you'll all be empathetic while I'm going through all the motions and transitions. It could take some weeks before I or anyone else see's any changes in this rollercoaster ride of mine.



Rest assured, it wont be all doom and gloom, I will also share my aspirations, my loves... and anything else i feel passionate about.


I would love to hear from you all from time to time, whether it be a comment left on my blog..
A hello via facebook to let me know you're there..
Or which ever way you are most comfortable with ... but please don't think I'm a ticking timebomb ready to go off, and PLEASE don't feel the obligation after reading this post, to call and put me on suicide watch...
I have a loving husband taking very good care of me (bless him he's been through the worst of it).. I also have a great psychologist and with your understanding... some pretty awesome friends.

Already i'm starting to learn, not to put so much pressure on myself with expectations of myself and as well as others.
More then anything I'd like you all to be able to walk away from this and realise there's more to people's depression then any of us realise...


Much love
kyles Xx