Yet again it's been a while since my last post... feel like i should be in a confessional.

I had intended to update much more frequently, but since my last post I've been struggling with inner demons on another level.

I have this huge desire to share something I've felt has been such a heavy burden in my life, especially most recently.. But I fear not everyone is ready to hear it...
Most of the words on >>> This Blog Entry <<< could've been spoken from my own lips, it's uncanny.
I feel so immensely torn on whether I'm ready to share these hidden aspects of my life with everyone yet....

My last post came a day or two after seeing my psychologist for our first initial appointment, where it was clear i was suffering from depression and anxiety. At first the initial diagnosis was moderate depression adjoined with an Adjustment Disorder. Along with some cognitive sessions, i was prescribed anti-depressants.
While seeing my psychologist regularly and trying to adjust to my medication it was clear to her i was still struggling immensely, and on a few occassions i was going 24 hours, sometimes more then 48 hours without sleep... This wasn't the first time this had happened.. but while i was on my medication I was having more intense bouts of highs and lows. I was having frenzied days of wanting to clean and constantly keep busy, ideas and thoughts would rush through my mind, i felt like i was a ticking time bomb ready to explode if didn't keep busy. While other days all i would want to do is sleep the days away with no desire to wake.

It's said that it can take weeks... if not months for each person to adjust to antidepressants, possibly then to find out it's not agreeable, thus having to try another brand, but to give the body time again to readjust to the chemical changes.
Before the consideration was made to change my dosage or change to another brand, my psychologist decided it was best to refer me to a psychiatrist to see if I would benefit from being prescribed mood stabilisers to go with the antidepressants, but also to confirm my psychologists suspicions that i was suffering from something other then clinical depression.

After a few sessions and many personal questions with my psychiatrist, it wasn't long before she started explaining that i was a symptomatic person of Biploar Disorder II.

My world crashed around me as she tried to explain what I partially already suspected.
I didnt ever suspect i was bipolar, but since i was young i knew i felt different about myself compared to others. And i always struggled trying to work out why that was so.



I won't go into too much detail about my own personal experiences right now... mainly I'm here typing this post because I've had trouble understanding how I'm going to cope with this illness, that makes me feel like I've been swallowed into a big black hole.
In some ways it's been a relief to know why I've been so impulsive, flighty, and at times not in control ..while other days... mostly other days I've just felt like a walking zombie... with deep regrets of my own existence.

So I'm trying my hardest to come out of my closet, and share my anguish that I've been battling with for the longest time.  While I've started medication, i do feel in more control of my life, but I'm still having days where my moods are erratic, and then i start to question if it's all in my head, am i talking myself into these symptoms, wondering what moods and thoughts are really me, and what is the medicated me like?
Wondering who I am... how I should be portraying myself to others. Trying to be the best I can be for everyone... Constantly reminding myself with visual and quoted affirmations on how to improve myself... while desperately fighting my inner demons to just get my shit all off my chest in a more then confronting post on facebook.
Desperately wanting acceptance and understanding, then other times thinking WhatTheFuck..!
Love me or leave me!!

Annnnnnd then.......i just find it easier to go back to my old habits of staying home and hiding from the world again.